NFL Draft Preview 2017

Well, sports fans, tonight is it! After months of pointless games and a gigantic comeback in the championship, we finally get to the good stuff!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING

Guys in suits sitting around desks and calling out names all night! HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS ELECTRIFYING!!!

OHHHHHHHHH WHAT A RUSH!!!!!!!!!!!

Man oh man, when I think of awesome sporting events, nothing gets my dick dripping like dudes at a desk saying names and talking about how high their ceilings are. You want excitement? Teams might trade picks for future picks that will be new guys with different names! Holy Jumping Christ, I'm moist.

Here now is what I would do with the first 5 draft picks.

#1 CLEVELAND BROWNS: I'd look for the remote.
#2 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Change the channel to literally anything else.
#3 CHICAGO BEARS: Seriously, anything else. Big Bang Theory, Real Housewives shows, maybe even an E! special about some junkie, like Whitney Houston or some shit.
#4 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: Oh holy shit, you're kidding me, I CAN'T FIND THE REMOTE!
#5 TENNESSEE TITANS: Jump in front of a bus. Off myself. Anything is better than this garbage. I don't understand how any moron can watch this repetitive tripe for hours and hours on end. And I LOVE sports. Now if you'll excuse me, baseball is on.

And this is only the 1st inning.