@SouthieDanimal
Well, it’s that time of year again. When a bunch of people
that work in an office are forced by some pushy asshole co-worker to overpay
for some shit cookies being sold by a cabal of prepubescent minions in uniforms
for a scam “fundraiser”. That’s right, it’s Girl Scout cookie season.
A rainbow of rubbish
This fucking shakedown has been perpetrated on the
American public for literally centuries*. These god-awful bullshit cookies are pushed
upon you by some doting mother, probably with an asshole name, like Paige or Alice.
“Would you like to overpay for some flavorless sugar discs” she’ll say. And
lest you be chastised by the whole fucking office, you acquiesce and say “Sure,
give me a box of that garbage where the carboard holding the cookies is tastier
than the bullshit cookie itself”. Then she’ll say “oh, only one?” and fucking Karen
in accounting will give you that look of disdain, like you’re some kind of
monster for only getting one box full of plain flour slices (seriously, fuck
you, Karen). So you get two. And she says “ok that’s 9 cookies for a thousand
dollars, thanks asshole”.
*(probably not literally).
I hate the whole racket. The fake specialness of those awful
cookies. The little sprites in their fucking sashes accosting me outside the
Market Basket trying to get me to overpay for their dumpster cookies. Uh, hey,
Prudence, or Zima or whatever the fuck horrible name your parents gave you, I just
came from the super market. I got BAGS of good cookies, sweetheart. Oreos UP
THE ASS. Good shit, like Chips Ahoy and/or Deluxe, whatever your Chips preference
is, I got it. And there’s a TON of those motherfuckers in very affordable packages.
GOAT
And what the fuck are you doing by the supermarket exit
selling cookies? Hey, newsflash Nadia, I ALREADY BOUGHT COOKIES. Why would I
get more when I’m leaving? Who the fuck taught you marketing? There’s ZERO
chance I’m buying anything by the exit of the place I just left, unless it’s a
bar and there’s cocaine. It’s common sense. Jesus Christ.
Let’s rate these motherfuckers.
The Peanut Butter ones—legit, the only decent tasting one,
and that’s being kind, because these are still fucking terrible. The peanut
butter to “cookie” ratio is waaaaaaaaaay fucking off. It tastes like dried dough
with a slight peanut butter texture.
RATING: On a taste of ass to total ass, it tastes slightly worse than ass.
Thin Mints---the fuck outta my face with this bullshit. A
thin disc of smashed up toothpaste is what this is. “Oh you gotta put them in
the freezer for the best taste” I’m gonna put you in the freezer if you don’t
shut the fuck up. When I need instructions on how to make your vomit cookies
actually taste good, that means they suck and you should go to hell.
RATING: Pure minty hell.
Samoas---“Here, have a bite of racism!” What the fuck is
with this name? They’re destroying a beautiful culture by having them be associated
with this monster. Caramel and chocolate all mixed up with coconut? I’d rather get a
handy from Freddy Krueger than try to down these abominations.
RATING: Complete and utter ASS.
If these look enticing to you, go jump in traffic.
Tagalongs---more like fuckalongs.
RATING: Balls. Pure balls.
Fuck these cookies. Straight dumpster cuisine.
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