Welp, we're supposedly in the post-Vince McMahon era of WWE (except I'm pretty sure Vince is still running the company from his house, being that he still owns majority stock). This Saturday's SummerSlam PPV may be an indicator of where WWE is headed creatively going forward. Or it may just be more of the same. Either way, this lineup......this is not my kinda lineup.
Once a-fucking-gain, the Intercontinental Title is sitting in catering, along with its current holder, who by the way is better than almost everyone actually on the card - Gunther/Walter can work circles around almost the entire roster. Also the top I-C contender they set up like a month ago - nowhere to be seen. Also the really exciting high flier who would be massively over if they'd just fucking do something with him - nope, sorry Ric, nothing for you this month. But don't worry, Baron Corbin is on the show. As is the fanboy commentator living out his own wrestling fantasy camp. As is The Miz. Oh and one of the few matches I was actually into is off the show so they can save it for next month. Super. Yeah, I don't have high hopes for SummerSlam 2022.
Logan Paul vs. The Miz
Boy do I not give a tupenny fuck about this. The Miz hasn't been a proper threat to anyone in years, and Logan Paul, dipshit that he is, insists on being portrayed as a babyface, despite literally NO ONE wanting to see him in that role. Watch as Miz gets cheered like a hometown hero in this match. Like, how can a company just flatly defy what its entire audience wants and then use little tricks to try and make it look like that's not what they're doing? Jesus. For the record, I get why they signed Logan, he's actually a PPV draw. But use him correctly for fuck's sake.
Pick: Logan Paul, obviously
Pat McAfee vs. Baron Corbin
Fuckin' hell with this. A bad wrestler vs. a tourist. Yeah this is totally more important than the company's second-oldest singles title being defended. I'm 100% confident more people would rather see Gunther vs. Shinsuke Nakamura than this crap. Watch them add the I-C Title match to the fucking preshow.....
Pick: McAfee
US Championship: Bobby Lashley vs. Austin Theory
Theory is yet another Vince pet project doomed to fail because of how they're pushing him. In the grand, stupid tradition of Money in the Bank winners, he's being made to look like a totally unworthy buffoon who not only can't win a match but gets geeked out at every turn. The idea of course being "When he cashes in and wins the title no one will see it coming! It's such good shit, pal!" You'd have to have spent no more than ten minutes of your entire life watching pro wrestling to think this is a good way to push a new star, let alone a first-time champion. In no universe, not even WWE's, does this approach translate to the guy becoming a draw. Hey dipshits, it's not too late to save this kid. Give him back his first name, because "Theory" by itself is evocative of nothing - you may as well name him Language Arts - and actually position him as a threat. You can make a guy a chickenshit heel AND ALSO make him physically dangerous. That's kinda the whole point. Ric Flair often played a chickenshit heel but at the same time he was credible as a technician who could break your legs. MJF is a little weasel but also he's a nasty prick who will hurt opponents for the pure sadistic joy of it. Theory is just a pretty boy who can't back anything up in the ring. Like at all. Who wants to watch that?
Pick: Lashley retains
No Disqualification: Rey & Dominik Mysterio vs. Damian Priest & Finn Balor
Nice to see Finn get a match here at least. His exchanges with Rey should be fun. So is this when they finally pull the trigger on a Dominik heel turn? I mean, I don't think he'll make a believable bad guy in the slightest, but it seems like they've been teasing this forever. Does Dom join the little cult and then Edge returns to help his old friend Rey? By the way, how stupid were they to have Judgement Day kick their leader out literally one month into their existence? All because Edge pushed back on doing dumbass supernatural shit. This company is porked.
Pick: Finn and Damian
WWE Tag Team Championship: The Usos vs. Street Profits
We've seen this a buncha times and it's technically fine, but I don't much care about seeing it again. It'll be a well-worked, overly long tag match. Seems like the company wants Angelo Dawkins to be a singles star so I'm guessing Jimmy and Jey hold onto the straps.
Pick: Usos retain
Smackdown Women's Championship: Liv Morgan vs. Ronda Rousey
I'm glad they're finally giving Liv a push. She's super likable and actually very good in the ring. Ronda has lately been coming off as unlikable and just sorta going through the motions. I could see Ronda winning back the title here because it's WWE and that's what they do with MITB champs, but since Liv is actually over as a sympathetic babyface I think they'll run with her a bit longer. I certainly hope so.
Pick: Liv retains
RAW Women's Championship: Bianca Belair vs. Becky Lynch
These two stole the show at WrestleMania and I expect them to do the same here. It certainly won't be very hard. The company needs someone else for each of these women to feud with however; this has been going on a full year.
Pick: Bianca retains
WWE Universal Championship Last Man Standing: Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar
This goddamn stupid shit again. What is this now, the seventh time they've wrestled on PPV, not counting any 3-way and 4-way matches? It's straight up embarrassing that the second the planned Roman vs. Orton match was off (I wasn't particularly excited about that one either but at least it's been like eight years since we last saw it), they immediately went back to the same ol' shit. MAKE SOME NEW GUYS. This matchup devolved long ago into Superman punch-suplex-suplex-suplex-suplex-Superman punch-Spear-F5-F5-Spear-F5-Spear. It's unfathomable to me that the company that prides itself on its alleged storytelling acumen keeps presenting a main event that plays out like a videogame battle. Two guys just doing their two biggest moves over and over isn't a story. Sorry. It's entirely possible Theory shows up here after both guys have knocked each other out, cashes in, and becomes the new champion without even having to touch Roman or Brock. That would just complete Theory's arc as the worst wrestler ever (through no fault of his own, mind you). I'm BEGGING Triple H to do away with Money in the Bank; I hate the concept so much now.
Pick: Roman retains and hopefully someone new steps up (Not you Theory) to become a credible babyface challenger.
Man, I gotta follow up ROH's great show last week with this drivel? Christ.....
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