AEW All In 2024 Review: Bryan Danielson Gets His Flowers

AEW All In 2024 is in the books, and like its predecessor it was a helluva spectacle.  Though they only sold about 55,000 tickets compared to last year’s 81,000, the presence of Taylor Swift’s massive stage and the adjacent ramp actually helped make Wembley look just as full as it did last year.  And the crowd was mostly very hot.

I would say this show was less consistently good than 2023 but the two best matches here topped anything on that show.  Let’s get into it….

*NOTE: I’m on vacation this week so this review will be a little less in-depth than usual.*

The main show opened with the four-way trios ladder match, which consisted of the usual party match stuff.  Lots of standard ladder spots, lots of time for everyone to get their stuff in.  The most memorable spot was Nick Wayne hitting a tope to the outside, which he then converted into a destroyer on Malakai through a table.  Crazy spot.  Killswitch set up a ladder at the end and put Christian on his shoulders to climb, but Pac cut him off, knocked him to the mat, and retrieved the belts.  Christian then berated Killswitch to yet again tease a babyface turn.  Fun opener.  ***1/2

Next up was Toni Storm vs Mariah May in a very dramatic match.  Started off a bit sluggish with Mariah dominating and Toni seeming reluctant to engage, but it picked up once Toni made a comeback, and built to a nice crescendo.  Mariah’s mother was in the front row, and Mariah slapped her at one point, but Toni comforted her with a hug.  Mariah tried to hit Toni with the shoe.  Toni took the shoe away and considered using it but couldn’t bring herself to.  Mariah then hit a pair of knees and Storm Zero to win the title.  Toni seemed to have a mental breakdown after losing, dancing to the back while crying.  Great character work, solid wrestling.  ***3/4

The weakest bout of the night was Chris Jericho vs Hook.  This was FTW rules so Bryan Keith and Big Bill interfered copiously, but Hook overcame the odds.  Jericho brought a bag of cricket balls which didn’t cooperate since they rolled around.  Hook got a bat from under the ring and hit a couple balls off Jericho.  Hook kept locking in submissions but Jericho’s friends broke them up.  He finally locked in Redrum and Taz pulled Bryan off the apron and locked in the worst ever Tazmission.  Jericho submitted.  This was fine.  **3/4

The first excellent match was Young Bucks-FTR-Acclaimed, in an energetic party sprint filled with nonstop action and inventive spots.  Matt and Nick’s gear paid homage to Sgt. Pepper-era Beatles.  The Bucks played the buffoon heels who eked one out as always.  One of the most fun moments involved FTR and The Acclaimed doing each other’s finishers in tandem.  The Bucks eventually won with BTE trigger on Dax.  Grizzled Young Veterans showed up after the match and confronted the Bucks who bailed, then attacked FTR.  That should be phenomenal.  ****

The most pleasant surprise of the night was the Casino Gauntlet, a super fun match with some good surprises including the in-ring return of NIGEL MCGUINNESS.  Once he entered I was rooting for him so we could finally have a Danielson-McGuinness rematch.  Also Ricochet made his debut and ran wild.  Hangman Page and Jeff Jarrett interacted a lot, setting up a singles match together.  Jarrett took him out with a guitar shot.  Okada and Zack Sabre both looked great and each almost won.  Christian entered unexpectedly and then Luchasaurus (not Killswitch), who choke slammed Kyle O’Reilly and put Christian on top to win.  Odd choice for a winner but really fun match.  I wasn’t that excited about this but it way overdelivered.  ****1/4

The first of two instant classics was next, Will Ospreay vs MJF.  MJF’s gear paid homage to both Apollo creed and Lex Luger.  This was an awesome match, though not quite as good as the hourlong one.  Loads of suspenseful nearfalls led to a ref bump when Ospreay hit a Hidden Blade that knocked Max into him.  MJF tried to use brass knuckles (his diamond ring was legit stolen over the weekend) but a mystery man stopped him and unmasked to reveal Daniel Garcia.  MJF attempted the Tiger Driver but Ospreay countered with his own (scary as fuck spot) to regain the title.  Daniels then presented him with the proper International Title.  Fantastic stuff.  ****3/4

Mercedes vs Britt was unfortunately asked to follow this, and thus the crowd wasn’t that into it.  Still it was a very good match if a little messy in a couple spots.  Mercedes worked Britt’s back for the first third, Britt made numerous attempts at lockjaw but couldn’t get it on.  Late in the match Kamille saved Mercedes by putting Mercedes’ foot under the ropes.  Mercedes tried to hit Britt with the belt but the ref stopped her.  Kamille tried to use the strong belt but Britt took it, threw it back to Kamille and fell down as though Kamille had hit her.  The ref ejected Kamille, Britt went for lockjaw but Mercedes bit her hand.  They jockeyed for backslide position but Mercedes finally hit the Mone Maker for the win.  ***3/4

Second-to-last was Jack Perry vs Darby Allin, a match that was cut short and was shockingly one sided.  Perry beat the bejesus out of Darby for a lot of this.  Darby had thumbtacks glued to his face.  Jack brought out a bag that turned out to be broken glass, eliciting a “cry me a river”chant.  Marvelous.  Darby dropped Jack in the glass, which cut him up.  Jack taped Darby’s hands together and then tied Darby’s belt around his ankles and threw him off the stage through a table.  Jack put him in a body bag and into the coffin, then hit a running knee and closed the lid.  The Bucks came down with a can of gasoline.  The Elite tried to light the coffin on fire but Sting came to the rescue.  Very good car wreck.  ***3/4

Finally we had Swerve Strickland vs. Bryan Danielson in an absolutely fantastic main event.  They started with rugged back and forth offense, but Swerve got the upper hand after a Death Valley Driver on the ring bell, and Danielson bled.  The match built in intensity and led to loads of near falls after finishers.  The final ten minutes were spectacular.  Hangman tried to interfere but was dragged away by security.  Danielson hit the knee but Swerve kicked out.  Swerve went for the Flatliner but Danielson cut him off with another knee, then the LeBell Lock.  Swerve broke the hold but Danielson snapped Swerves fingers and locked in a Rings of Saturn variant for the tap out.  BCC and Danielson’s family celebrated with him.  I had mixed feelings about this whole situation and still do, but this match and moment were epic.  The followup needs to be on point.  *****

So yeah, another great AEW PPV in front of their second-biggest crowd.  I’d say this show was on par with last year’s, though more uneven.  All Out needs to be another great sequel.

Best Match: Swerve vs. Danielson

Worst Match: Jericho vs. Hook

What I’d Change: The gauntlet could’ve been a few minutes shorter so Jack-Darby didn’t get so shortchanged.  I’d have swapped the TBS and Coffin match slots so the women had more crowd engagement.

Most Disappointing Match: The Coffin match was fun but too short to reach the next level.

Most Pleasant Surprise: The Gauntlet was fun like a good Royal Rumble

Overall Rating: 9.5/10

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Movies of Disbelief: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Welcome to another edition of Movies of Disbelief, here at Enuffa.com, where I examine a film that is generally either good, even great, or at least competently assembled, and point out one absurd flaw that had me throwing my hands up skyward.

Today's subject is the Walt Disney classic Sleeping Beauty.  Released in 1959, Sleeping Beauty retells the timeless fairy tale about a lovely princess, cursed by an evil sorceress to fall into a sleeping death before the end of her sixteenth birthday (by pricking her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, of all things).  In the Disney version there are three good fairies who vow to protect Princess Aurora from this fate, by keeping her hidden from the wicked Maleficent until the time window of said curse has closed.

**Side note: each fairy bestows a magical gift, the first being Flora's decree that Aurora will grow up to be beautiful, begging the question, does Flora not have any faith in this girl's gene pool?  I'd be insulted if I were her parents.  "Excuse me, I think we're both fairly handsome people, she'll turn out just fine on her own!"  Seems like a waste of a gift if there's even a chance that she'll be a looker anyway.  Come to think of it, so is Fauna's gift of song; how does she know this girl won't naturally have musical ability?  Or at least enough to get by with some practice?  Superficial jerks...**

I'm sorry, these women are morons...

But back on the clock; the fairies quickly whisk her away to a remote cottage in the forest and raise her as a common peasant girl until such time as it's safe for her to return and reclaim her royal heritage.  Solid plan right?  Especially since the fairies have also vowed not to use magic during the girl's upbringing, so as not to rouse the suspicions of passers-by.  Princess Aurora, or Briar Rose as she is now known, has no awareness of her regal bloodline or the fact that she is betrothed to Prince Phillip of a neighboring kingdom.  On her sixteenth birthday, the fateful day in question, she meets a stranger in the woods and falls instantly in love, but the fairies spill all the beans, revealing to her that not only is she a princess, she is already spoken for and must never see this strange man again (of course none of the four is aware said stranger IS Prince Phillip).  Rose is crushed at the news and runs to her room sobbing.

AEW All In 2024 Preview & Predictions

AEW's biggest show of the year All In is this Sunday, and while for the first time I have kinda major issues with the booking and build for parts of this show, it should be a pretty stunning PPV, as only AEW can deliver.

Yes, when it comes to Tony Khan's booking and his flaws in that area I'm generally much more forgiving than even most AEW fans (at least from what I see on social media), largely because this company's big shows always live up to and often exceed the hype.  And that will likely be true with All In as well, but ever since Bryan Danielson (my favorite wrestler of all time, don't @ me) upset Hangman Page in the Owen Cup tournament to take the main event slot at Wembley, I've felt Tony went in the wrong direction with this title match.  And judging from the crowd reactions to what little Swerve-Hangman interactions we've gotten since Page returned, I'm certainly not alone.  Swerve-Hangman is AEW's answer to Austin vs. Bret.  Two mortal enemies who switched places, one a former heel who was so cool he became a babyface, the other a longtime babyface so destructively obsessed with vengeance and justice he turned heel.  How in the blue hell does this match not take place for the title at the biggest show of the year?  Yes I know Danielson is retiring from a full-time schedule and this might be the last chance to give him an honorary title run, but since when are honorary title runs more important than paying off a fantastic story?  AEW seems to have sacrificed a great long-term title feud for a fleeting feelgood moment, and in the bigger picture that's a major mistake from where I sit.  Couple that with Danielson constantly doing interviews saying he's ready to hang it up and isn't that interested in being champion and it's like, if the challenger doesn't care about this, why should I?

My minor gripes with this lineup are the fact that two tag title matches came about because of a draw between the two top contenders - pretty lazy booking - and the absence of Kazuchika Okada on this card unless he's in the gauntlet match despite already having a title (Was Tony hoping Kenny would be back by now?).  Aside from that though, this show has numerous bangers on tap.  So let's get into it...

Zero Hour: Willow Nightingale & Tomohiro Ishii vs. Kris Statlander & Stokely Hathaway

So it's already been announced that Willow and Kris will duke it out at All Out for the CMLL Women's Title (which was supposed to be won by Stephanie Vaquer until she backed out of numerous committed dates to sign with WWE - gotta love their predatory business practices).  This match will determine who picks the stipulation for that match.  It's odd that Hathaway is Kris's partner as opposed to an actual wrestler.  We'll obviously get to see Ishii and probably Willow beat the snot out of Hathaway and I'd be surprised if the babyfaces lose here.

Pick: Willow/Ishii

AEW All In 2023 Review: A WrestleMania-Sized Spectacle

***ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 8/29/23***

AEW's biggest show of all time is in the history books, and it was a doozy of a PPV.  While not quite on the level of their greatest shows for me (Full Gear 2021, Revolution 2023), this show was pretty spectacular overall.  By my count seven of the nine main card bouts reached **** or better, which is a new record.  We had rock-solid old-school wrestling, we had wild, chaotic multi-man matches, we had a couple bouts full of intense violence, and above all we had an epic, story-driven main event that kept the company's most successful angle going a little longer.  This was a WrestleMania-sized spectacle in front of a white-hot live crowd.

After a pair of pre-show matches, the latter of which apparently led to yet another backstage altercation involving CM Punk (less serious and may not have been Punk-instigated this time), Punk himself opened the show with a "real" World Title defense against his old rival Samoa Joe.  These two had a fine opening match that fell somewhere between their classic ROH encounters and their rather forgettable Collision one.  It only went 14 minutes but they packed a lot into it, including homages to Hulk Hogan and Terry Funk.  At one point Joe swung Punk through the bottom half of the announce table, breaking the front of it apart and causing Punk to bleed.  Late in the match Joe did his sequence of submission holds, softening Punk up for the Muscle Buster, but Punk escaped and hit his old finish, the Pepsi Plunge, to retain his fake title.  Very good opener in front of a pro-Joe crowd.  ****

Next up was the Golden Elite vs. Bullet Club Gold/Takeshita trios match.  This got twenty minutes and was a lot of fun, with tons of athletic exchanges, building to a strong peak and a logical finish meant to set up a singles match (Why I didn't see such a finish coming when I did my predictions, I'm sure I don't know).  Kota Ibushi was sadly still the weak link here, as he has more ring rust to shake off.  There was a moment where Ibushi and Omega did their stereo springboard moonsaults and Ibushi slipped off the second turnbuckle and had to do the move from the bottom one, and another moment where he seemed unsure where he was supposed to be.  Hopefully with time he'll come close to the quality of work he was putting in two years ago.  Anyway this match built to a tremendous peak, with Page and Omega hitting big moves on the heels, but suddenly out of nowhere Takeshita scored a rollup pin on Omega to win the match.  It was announced after the show that Kenny Omega vs. Konosuke Takeshita is official for All Out, and man is that gonna be a good one.  ****1/4 for the trios bout.

All In: Cody Rhodes Pulls Off a Coup

***ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 9/5/18***

Well I wasn't sure what to expect with All In.  I was pleasantly shocked when it sold out in under an hour and really happy for Cody and The Young Bucks for actually pulling off such a feat; the biggest-selling non-WWE show since WCW.  But would the show deliver with such an eclectic roster and matches that were mostly inconsequential in the traditional sense?  Turns out, yeah.  It delivered big.  And all that variety worked in the show's favor.  Lucha spotfest?  Check.  ECW-style hardcore match?  Check.  Traditional old-school wrasslin'?  We got it.  NJPW match?  You bet.  Dream match spectacle?  Sure.  Comedy match?  Yup.  I can't remember a show that pulled off so many divergent styles so well.  All In took a little while to really get going, but from the fourth match on there was nothing below ***1/2.  I didn't see any MOTY candidates, but the last six matches for me either approached or exceeded four stars.  When was the last WWE PPV that accomplished that?

Anyway, let's get to it.


Things kicked off with Matt Cross vs. MJF, a fun if superfluous little opener with Cross showing off his acrobatics and MJF doing good character work.  Cross won in nine minutes with his shooting star press.  A nice bit of fluff to warm up the crowd.  **

The weakest match on the show for me was Christopher Daniels vs. Stephen Amell.  This was okay, especially considering Amell's inexperience, but wasn't quite as tight as it could've been.  Amell clearly loves doing this and has picked up the basics strongly, and wants to be taken seriously as a wrestler.  If nothing else you have to applaud his enthusiasm.  There were a few miscues and Daniel's BME was off the mark both times, but this was fun.  Amell did a couple big moves, a coast-to-coast dropkick a la RVD, and a missed elbow through a table.  This should've been a little shorter but it wasn't bad.  Daniels picked up the win on the second BME.  **

The lone women's match featured Tessa Blanchard (who has the same "it" factor as Charlotte Flair), Chelsea Green, Madison Rayne, and Britt Baker, in a sprint with slightly messy action in the first half, but that gelled pretty well in the second when everyone started hitting their big moves.  It was a tad unwieldy but an easy match to watch overall.  The finish was kinda out of nowhere as Tessa hit the hammerlock DDT and barely got the pin before it was broken up.  **3/4

The first big match of the night was Nick Aldis vs. Cody for the NWA Title.  Pretty shocking how early this went on considering Cody was the mastermind behind this show.  With cornermen on both sides and Earl Hebner doing formal ring instructions, this felt like a big-fight main event.  As a match it was very good, heavy on the sports-entertainment with DDP getting involved, Cody teasing being unable to continue after being busted open by an elbow, and Brandi diving on top of Cody to protect him from a top-rope elbow drop.  But the storytelling was strong, with Cody playing the babyface in peril to perfection and going on to win the big one for his dad.  It was a nice moment to pay off a swell old school NWA Title match, and the crowd really made it feel special.  ***3/4

Movie Review: Alien: Romulus (2024)

***SOME SPOILERS AHEAD***

Everyone's favorite sci-fi/horror monsters are back for another romp through Ridley Scott's grimy truckers-in-space universe, in Fede Alvarez's new film Alien: Romulus.  Set about twenty years after the original film, Romulus stars Cailee Spaeny as Rain, a young colony worker attempting to flee the harsh, sunless conditions of the mining settlement she and her friends grew up on.  She and her adoptive "brother" Andy, a reprogrammed synthetic, meet up with four fellow orphaned settlers and hatch a plan to capture a block of cryo-tubes from the deserted, orbiting space station Romulus so they can make the nine-year journey to the much more habitable planet of Yvaga.  But it just so happens the station houses dozens of xenomorph facehuggers, grown from DNA taken from the original Nostromo alien recovered from deep space.  And of course, all hell breaks loose.

As with all the films in this franchise, Alien: Romulus is superbly atmospheric and technically marvelous.  The world-building is on point here; Alvarez remains true to the dingy, lived-in look Ridley and his collaborators created 45 years ago.  And unlike Ridley Scott's two awful prequels, the technology in this world is actually consistent with that of the original Alien.  No fancy LED screens, no three-dimensional cave-mapping drones.  We're back to clunky CRT monitors and Christmas light circuit boards.

The characters as usual are pretty crudely drawn - Rain is a plucky, caring lead character, Andy is a damaged and pretty fragile android who's been programmed to take care of Rain, Rain's ex-boyfriend Tyler is a brave and capable group leader, his pregnant sister Kay is....there too, his cousin Bjorn is a jerk who hates synthetics, and Bjorn's girlfriend Navarro is the cargo ship's pilot.  The script gives us just enough to care about the characters before picking them off, much as the original film did.  

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Alien Resurrection

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com!

Since I examined the gorgeously shot suckfest that was Alien 3 last week, I thought I'd move on to its sequel, 1997's Alien Resurrection.

As I mentioned last time, the third Alien film was a massive disappointment for me, as I'd been led to believe (through no fault of my own, mind you - d'ya need to see that teaser again?) that we'd get a true continuation of Aliens, wherein there'd be some sort of battle between xenomorphs and humans taking place on Earth.  Instead we got a languid, uninspired retread of the first movie, with one alien killing off humans in a confined location, Ten Little Indians-style.  Then Ripley dies.  I hated it.  I hated it all.  The franchise that should really have ended after two films got a completely unnecessary, tacked-on third installment just so Ripley could be killed off.

Fast-forward five years, and suddenly the series was resurrected (I see what they did there...), with a Ripley clone having been created 200 years after her death, on a military/scientific vessel that has begun experimenting with the aliens.  As part of the breeding process the scientists on board have illegally purchased cryo-frozen humans for use as hosts.  A mercenary ship arrives, delivering said hosts, but before long the aliens escape captivity and all hell breaks loose.  That's about all there is to the plot of this film, though I guess that's about twice as long as the premise of the third film.

My hope going into this was that it would really be something different and maybe even right the ship.  We'd finally see something in line with my expectations for Alien 3, or so I thought.  As it turned out Resurrection was just as poorly received as 3 (if not moreso), and the possibility of ever seeing another truly good Alien film again was all but gone.

Still, Resurrection did have some intriguing elements, some amusing horror-action, and plenty of gooey xenomorphs.  Let's take a closer look at this awesomely shitty movie....

(Note: I think if I were making a fourth film around this time I'd have simply revealed at the outset that Alien 3 was a dream, and have Ripley wake up from cryosleep to find Newt and Hicks still slumbering in their pods.  Then the story would adhere closer to the original Alien III script, where the xenos end up on Earth and the company actually intends on exploiting them for their Weapons division.  But that's just me.)




The Awesome


Something Different

After the dull, lazy retread that was Alien 3, it was nice to see the franchise go in a different direction with this film.  Ripley is back, but as a clone of the original character, and with a bit of xenomorph DNA which gives her some superhuman abilities.  It's corny, it's a bit comic booky, but hey, at least they tried something new with this film.  Setting it 200 years after Alien 3 also adds an element of the dystopian future, where the infrastructure is breaking down and mercenaries like the Betty crew have become commonplace.




Sigourno-morph

Sigourney Weaver clearly has a lot of fun with this new incarnation of Ripley, getting a chance to show off her newfound skills but also to convey the conflict arising from her longtime arch-nemesis now being a part of her.  This creature that has ruined her life is now ingrained in her biology.  A smarter, more thoughtful script would've done a lot more with this, but it's a start.  That theme comes into play later in the film when the alien queen seems to treat her almost as a loved one and the alien/human hybrid regards her as its mother.  Joss Whedon's script introduces some novel concepts for this franchise, and it's refreshing to see that at least. 

Oh, Ripley 8 will fuck you ups....

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Alien 3

Welcome to another Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com, where I complain about someone else's hard work!

Today I'll be talking about one of my least favorite sequels ever, Alien 3!  Yup, it's gonna be a struggle to come up with many positives about this film, as I hate it.  HATE. IT.  But I wouldn't be telling the truth if I failed to talk about its good qualities.  Directed by the great David Fincher, Alien 3 is a stylish, exceedingly bleak sequel to the mega-popular thrill ride that was James Cameron's Aliens.  Picking up where that film left off, Alien 3 finds Ripley stranded on a penal planet populated by the worst criminals in the galaxy, when a stray alien breaks loose and starts butchering people by the dozen.  Ripley and the others must find a way, sans weapons, to kill the alien before a Weylan-Yutani supply ship arrives to bring the specimen back to Earth.  And, well, that's about it.  Nothing terribly complicated about this story, and the film was such a troubled production for the first-time director that Fincher long ago disowned the movie.  The studio began shooting without a completed script and questioned Fincher on nearly every creative idea, to the point that his intended cut was very different from the theatrical version (The "Assembly Cut" as it's called is widely considered superior to the latter, but I still don't like it).

But before I begin shredding this movie, let's take a look at what did work.....



The Awesome


Acting

Sigourney Weaver is back as Ellen Ripley of course, and she once again brings a sense of both empowerment and vulnerability to the role that made her famous.  She doesn't have quite the emotional arc here as she did in Aliens, but considering what she's given to work with she excels as always.  This film has a number of strong supporting performances as well, the two biggest standouts being the dignified and understated Charles Dance as Dr. Clemens, and Charles S. Dutton as the reformed murderer and spiritual leader of the prison, Dillon.  Add accomplished character actors such as Pete Postlethwaite and Brian Glover, and there's no shortage of convincing work on the acting front.

There are some fine thespians in this tripe movie.

Visuals

As with all of his films, Fincher lent Alien 3 a distintive, stylish look, with filthy, gothic sets and a muted color pallette of yellows and browns.  The one area where this film surpasses Aliens for me is its unique visual style.  This is a gorgeously photographed movie from a young director already demonstrating his superior skill.  'Tis a shame the story didn't have more going on, as it's akin to a beautifully painted but mostly empty landscape.

There are also some fine visuals.

Effects (mostly)

Most of the special effects in Alien 3 still hold up, from the grotesquely sloppy chestburster scene to the amazingly lifelike Bishop head/torso, to the frightening closeups of the full-size alien.  The blood n' guts look first-rate, and aside from terrible compositing of the rod puppet used in wide shots (The puppet looks great, the blue screening looks like garbage), any xenophile should be satisfied with the effects.

And a boss-looking alien.

Movies of Disbelief: Alien Covenant (2017)

Welcome to another edition of Movies of Disbelief, where I talk about a film containing plot elements I find simply not credible.  Today it's Ridley Scott's latest entry in the Alien franchise.....

Alright, time to talk about some issues I have with Alien: Covenant.  I'm a diehard fan of the Alien series and-- well wait, I guess I'm a diehard fan of the first two Alien movies and that's it.  Oddly, despite being a huge Alien fan I think the vast majority of these movies suck.  Covenant is sadly one of them; like Prometheus there's a good film in here somewhere but they didn't find it.  There's basically no point to Covenant at all, except as a stopgap between the events of Prometheus and the events that led directly to the original Alien (events which aren't at all necessary to understanding or appreciating the classic first film).  Covenant is basically just a way to get us from the monster introduced in Prometheus to the familiar xenomorph we know and love.  Super, David experimented with these creatures until he got this one.  Did we really need a two-hour Alien's Greatest Hits movie to arrive at the xenomorph?  Covenant relies so heavily on tropes from the other films in the franchise there's nary an original sequence to be found here.  Except maybe the one robot teaching the other robot how to play the flute.  Spiffy.

That's nothing, you should see him play the skin-flute.

So despite being a gorgeous-looking and well-acted film I consider Covenant (and Prometheus) to be a pretty pointless attempt at creating a backstory for a great film that never needed one.  I had my share of nitpicks about this movie to boot, but there's one item in particular that flat-out pissed me off, one piece of information that makes exactly zero sense and undermines the only narrative thread that even remotely justifies the film's existence.

Before we get to that though, a few minor gripes:


-In the first scene we see the android David conversing with his creator Peter Weyland.  Weyland lets him choose his own name and he goes with David because Weyland's sitting room has a giant statue of David that's so tall its head goes up through a hole in the ceiling.  Why the hell would you ever put a statue in your living room that you can't see all of?  Legit, unless he's standing right under it, Weyland's only view of this statue is obstructed in such a way that he can't see the head!  Before agreeing to purchase this piece of art he probably should've brought a tape measure.

How'd he even know what statue it was if he couldn't see the head??

Awesomely Shitty Movies: 300

Welcome to another edition of Enuffa.com's Awesomely Shitty Movies, where I pick apart a beloved cinematographical (is that a word?) feast and shatter its aura of watchability for everyone.  I'm probably overestimating my influence, but you get the idea.

Today I'll be dissecting the 2007 battle epic 300, directed by Zack Snyder and based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller.  300 recounts The Battle of Thermopylae, where the Spartan King Leonidas, along with 299 of his ruthlessly tough soldiers, stood against a massive Persian army led by King Xerxes.  And, well, that's it.  That's the entire plot of the film really.  In flashback we learn that, like all male Spartan children, Leonidas experienced a childhood of intentionally-inflicted cruelty designed to harden him, that he might one day be a great king and soldier.  There are also subplots involving a corrupt religious cult called the Ephors, who order Leonidas not to move against the Persians, plus one of the Spartan Council is revealed to be in Xerxes' back pocket.  Other than that though it's basically an extended two-hour battle sequence.

So what are the pros and cons of this Frank Miller-inspired film?  Let's take a look, because.....THIS! IS! ENUFFA!!!  See what I did there?


The Awesome

Visuals

Like Robert Rodriguez did with Sin City, Zack Snyder took Frank Miller's stunning comic book panels and recreated them for the screen, assembling an almost shot-for-shot adaptation that looks absolutely gorgeous.  The colors are almost exactly like the graphic novel, the characters have been brought to life in painstaking detail, and the action is stylized to reflect the over-the-top movements depicted in the book.  The film adaptations of both Sin City and 300 proved to be very influential in creating these impossible comic book worlds.  If you're going to make a CG-heavy film, this is how you do it.

Whatever the movie's flaws, this is a gorgeous shot.

Battle Scenes

As I said above, the combat is heavily stylized to echo Miller's drawings and give the characters and events a sort of mythic quality.  The blood and gore are turned way up as well, mimicking Miller's explicit visual approach.  It's a good thing the battle sequences work so well, because this film has a lot of them.  A LOT.


Costumes

Snyder has literally translated Miller's artwork in the costume department as well.  All the characters are dressed exactly like their two-dimensional counterparts, and they look great.


Effects & Makeup

There's a theme going on here - when it comes to the visual aspects of the film, everything is first-rate.  The special effects and makeup are no different.  Snyder uses CGI not as a substitute for reality, but as a way to heighten and distort reality.  The backgrounds are murky and flat, bathed in yellows and browns, just as Miller drew them.  The Spartans all have CG-enhanced six-pack builds and brandish perfect bronze shields.  But when practical effects were called for, Snyder used traditional prosthetics as well.  The Ephors are wart-covered and repulsive, the deformed Ephialtes is a grotesque hunchback, the Executioner is an enormous, clawed being resembling the Cenobites from Hellraiser.  The makeup and effects perfectly capture Miller's bizarrely-rendered characters.

Give that man a Baby Ruth!

Awesomely Shitty Movies: The Running Man

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com!

Today we'll dissect and discuss what is possibly The Mother of Awesomely Shitty Movies (or at least a well-respected Aunt), The Running Man!  Based to the loosest possible degree on the novel by Richard Bachman (or Stephen King as he's known to everyone), The Running Man tells the story of a dystopian future where the global economy has collapsed and the country is a police-state.  The masses are controlled by a military-industrial complex that keeps them placated with violent television and a steady stream of disinformation.  The most popular TV show is called The Running Man, where convicted felons are hunted down by cartoonish gladiator-types called Stalkers.  The host/creator of the show is the slimy but immensely charismatic Damon Killian, who has become a beloved cultural icon.

The protagonist of the film, Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger), is a former SWAT cop who after refusing to kill dozens of food rioters, is framed for their deaths and wrongfully imprisoned.  He and two fellow prisoners (members of an underground resistance whose mission is to expose the corrupt establishment and restore democracy) escape, only to end up as Running Man contestants.

What ensues is a fantastically awful amalgam of pro wrestling and numerous side-scrolling video games, as the Runners have to evade a series of Stalkers in order to get to the next stage.

This film is absolute tripe, but holy lord it's entertaining.  And here's why....

The Awesome

The Backdrop

This movie creates a richly detailed little universe for our characters to inhabit.  From the fake TV shows and commercials, to the neat technological advances, to the bit characters, the filmmakers have done a fine job of establishing the environment and making this seem like a real world that could actually exist.  To a certain extent it reminds me of the dystopia of Robocop.  There are some tangible aspects of this universe that make the story somewhat believable.


Reminds me a little of Blade Runner.  Just a little.



Awesomely Shitty Movies: Face/Off

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com, where I'll examine a movie that is horribly entertaining but also entertainingly horrible.

Today's entry in the series is John Woo's 1997 action thriller, Face/Off! 

Face/Off stars John Travolta as FBI agent Sean Archer, whose son was killed by his arch-nemesis Castor Troy, a manic, sadistic terrorist played by Nicolas Cage.  Six years later Troy announces to the FBI that there's a bomb hidden somewhere in Los Angeles which could potentially kill millions of people.  The FBI attempts to capture Troy in an ambush but Troy ends up in a coma before they can learn the location of the bomb.  After unsuccessfully interrogating every member of Troy's gang, Archer reluctantly submits to a radical new procedure wherein his face will be removed and replaced with Castor's, allowing him to impersonate his enemy and infiltrate the maximum security prison where Castor's brother/accomplice Pollux is being held.  Archer's subterfuge fools Pollux, who reveals the bomb's location, but before Archer can arrange his release from prison, the real Castor Troy emerges from his coma, forces the surgeon to apply Archer's face to his, and then kills everyone who knew about the procedure.  The real Sean Archer is now trapped in prison as Castor Troy, while the real Castor Troy takes over Archer's life.

This is one of the most convoluted premises of any action movie I've ever seen, but somehow the filmmakers managed to pull a pretty entertaining piece of crap out of what probably should've been a disastrous effort.  So let's take a look at what worked and what didn't.



The Awesome

John Travolta & Nic Cage

First and foremost, the two leads do an excellent job in this film of convincing the audience that a) this scenario is at all believable and b) that for most of the film's running time they are each playing the opposite character.  Travolta plays Archer as a spiritually broken man, haunted by the death of his son and consumed with catching the bastard who killed him.  His relationships with his wife and daughter are in shambles and the only thing that will bring him peace is taking Troy down.  Cage plays Troy as a high-wire act - oozing evil charisma and relishing his own depravity. 

When the ol' switcheroo occurs, each actor gets to explore the other character.  Cage as Archer brings an even greater sense of melancholy and develops a rather tender relationship with Troy's girlfriend Sasha (Gina Gershon), while Travolta's Troy rekindles the romance with Archer's wife (Joan Allen), and is actually able to identify with Archer's troubled teenage daughter (Dominique Swain).  He also becomes an FBI hero when he locates and diffuses his own bomb and uses all the Bureau's resources to chase down "Castor Troy."  Both actors are fantastic in both roles and have a lot of fun imitating each other.

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Timecop

Welcome one and all to the fifth edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com!

Since last installment dealt with the Back to the Future sequels, I thought while we're on the subject of time travel movies, why not examine the tremendously entertaining but pretty terrible Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle Timecop?
 

Timecop was released in 1994 and stars the aforementioned Van Damme as Max Walker, a police officer for the futuristic government agency known as the Time Enforcement Commission.  See time travel has been invented and predictably exploited by criminals for either financial gain or to alter the timeline to their advantage, necessitating the formation of the TEC.  Walker stumbles onto the case of Senator Aaron McComb (Ron Silver), who has become head of the Commission and is abusing his position by stealing money from the past to fund his future Presidential campaign.  What follows is a pretty intriguing-but-not-good sci-fi action thriller as Walker travels back and forth between 1994 and 2004 to thwart McComb's plot and retroactively prevent his own wife's murder at the hands of McComb's agents.

The movie was directed by Peter Hyams (who helmed the Sean Connery sci-fi western Outland, as well as the sequel to Stanley Kubrick's 2001) and is loosely based on a comic book story.

So let's take a look at what was good about this movie, and then we'll look at what wasn't.


The Awesome

Time Travel

As I said last time, I'm a sucker for time travel stories.  I find the whole concept fascinating and by using that as a backdrop there's instant sci-fi credibility in my book.  Of course it's also a very delicate line to walk, given how easily a plot-unraveling paradox can ruin the film.  But as long as the characters are interesting and the overall story works, one can forgive a certain degree of time-travel plot holes. 

In Timecop we see the villains traveling back to the Civil War era and the Great Depression to take advantage of lesser technology and a vulnerable economy, respectively, coming away with a fortune.  Even though these scenes were brief, I enjoyed seeing these different time periods depicted and found the thievery inventive.  We also see the main villain McComb interacting with his younger self to alter his own future, and we see the hero Walker trying to evade the baddies while trying not to be seen by his own younger self, lest the timeline be unnecessarily tampered with.  This is all neat stuff.

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Popeye

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com, where I discuss, in much greater detail than interests anyone, a film with very mixed virtues and faults.  Today's subject is the 1980 Robert Altman-directed adaptation of the beloved cartoon/comic strip, Popeye!  

Starring Robin Williams, Shelley Duvall and Paul Smith, Popeye came about after Paramount and Columbia Pictures had a bidding war over the film rights to Annie.  When Paramount came up short, they mined for similar ideas and one executive came up with the idea for a feature film treatment of Popeye.  Originally the studio (now co-producing with Disney) wanted Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin as the two leads (Tomlin would've been swell, Hoffman probably not so much), but fortunately newly hired director Robert Altman opted for the perfectly-cast duo of Williams and Duvall.  An unconventional choice for a movie of this type, Altman lent his signature style of satirical humor, richly detailed settings and colorful supporting characters, to try and create a three-dimensional world around these two-dimensional characters.  Filming took place in Malta, on a lavishly constructed set, and the budget ballooned to a then-extravagant $20 million.  The studio panicked and ordered Altman to finish up and bring home what footage he had.  The film was released in December 1980 to mixed reviews and less-than-stellar box office receipts; although it grossed $60 million worldwide, it was not the smash hit the studios expected and has since garnered a reputation as one of the great box office bombs.

But Popeye has a lot going for it, and sadly a lot working against it.  Let's take a look at the pros and cons of this unusual comic strip adaptation....



The Awesome


Cast

Pretty much everyone in this movie is spot-on.  Robin Williams (making his feature film debut), while not exactly disappearing into the role, makes a splendid Popeye - likable, matter-of-fact, humble and downtrodden by nature but gallant and heroic when he needs to be.  I'm not sure anyone else in 1980 could've brought this character to life as effectively.  Ditto for Shelley Duvall as Olive Oyl, who does a note-perfect live action translation of the gangly damsel in distress.  Most of the film's funniest moments involve Duvall's stylized mannerisms, and as someone who's used to seeing her either in hysterics in The Shining, or as Steve Martin's straight-man best friend in Roxanne, it's refreshing to go back and see her in a subtly comedic turn.  She might be the best thing about this film, actually.  Paul Smith also makes a fantastic Bluto, looking exactly like you'd expect this character to appear as a flesh & blood person, terrifying as he glares about the room growling like an agitated lion.  Smith is a helluva lot better in this movie than in Dune, I'll tell ya that much.  Ray Walston is the other standout, as Popeye's long-lost father Poopdeck Pappy, AKA The Commodore, conveying a front of cold, dryly amusing gruffness toward his son, which later gives way to genuine pathos as he bonds with Swee'pea.  So if nothing else, this film has a strong ensemble cast that's fun to watch as they make believable characters out of these cartoon archetypes.

The History of WWE SummerSlam (2023)

At SummerSlam 2023, WWE did it again.  And by "it" I mean snatched a pretty good show from the jaws of instant classic territory.

SummerSlam 2023 was yet another example of a show that should've been in contention for PPV of the Year (or at least WWE PPV of the Year), and was instead just a good solid PPV.  Between a live crowd that was oddly pretty subdued all night and some messy moments and their usual questionable booking decisions, this show overall fell short of my expectations.

Things started out very promisingly as Logan Paul and Ricochet had a very entertaining spotfest-type match that suffered a bit from WWE not being all that good at spotfest-type matches.  For a bout that was intended to "go viral" as an aerial spectacle this wasn't nearly as noteworthy as numerous other examples that year.  But it was very well-worked aside from a couple messy bits, and this was Ricochet's first main roster match with this high a profile (sadly he'd never get another).  After plenty of back-and-forth action and nearfalls, one of Paul's friends (who went unnamed) handed him brass knux, which Paul used to knock out Ric and steal a win.  Michael Cole's line "This was a great match but the ending sucked" was both amusing and a bit of unintentional commentary from WWE regarding their penchant for unsatisfying finishes.  

Overall the strongest match of the night, most unexpectedly, was the Cody Rhodes-Brock Lesnar rubber match, which from where I sit marked Brock's best work since the 2019 SummerSlam.  This still suffered from Lesnar Repetition Syndrome, with Cody limiting his own moveset to match Brock's, and a long stretch where Brock was inexplicably trying to get a countout win over and over.  But ultimately the match worked in the same way as Brock vs. AJ in 2017 and Brock vs. Bryan in 2018 did.  Cody overcame all the punishment and hit three CrossRhodes in a row to put a decisive end to this feud.  Brock then took off his MMA gloves, shook Cody's hand, and hugged him, in an apparently unplanned show of respect.  Good stuff overall.