Movies of Disbelief: Signs (2002)

Welcome to another Movies of Disbelief, where I examine one particular issue with an otherwise good film and why it irritates me so.  Today's subject, the 2002 alien invasion film Signs.

M. Night Shyamalan.  Has there ever been a more divisive film director?  Or more accurately, has there ever been a film director whose output has ranged from "universally lauded" to "fiery garbage on a stick?"  M. Night burst on the scene seemingly out of nowhere with his third film The Sixth Sense (I legit had no idea he'd made two other movies until I looked it up for this article), which proved a smash-hit and popularized the mindfuck ending like no other film had.  He followed it up with the mostly acclaimed but less successful Unbreakable, an intimate twist on the superhero genre (which of course spawned a trilogy nearly twenty years later), and then it was time for Signs.

Starring Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix, Signs was another "up close and personal" take on a genre film, this time The Alien Invasion picture.  Gibson is a widowed ex-minister-turned-farmer who finds a crop circle in his field, seemingly left by an alien presence, and soon other signs of an invasion spring up, including strange noises, animals exhibiting abnormal behavior, and lights in the sky.  Eventually news reports surface of alien sightings, leading to one of the great monster reveals, an amateur video taken at a kids' birthday party (This moment is chillingly effective).  The film expertly builds suspense throughout its entire running time, leading to a final showdown between Gibson's family (brother and two kids) and one of the creatures......and then it falls apart totally and completely in the last fifteen minutes, when it turns out the aliens are allergic to water.  Yeah that's right, simple, old fashioned water.

Dude, scary as fuck.

But that's not even what has my goat about this movie.  Don't get me wrong, it's annoying as all hell that an advanced species capable of interstellar travel - one that would've necessarily taken atmospheric readings before landing on any planet, to ensure the air is breathable - couldn't figure out that not only is our planet 70% covered with liquid that will disintegrate them, but its atmosphere is LOADED with it.  Like, how did they walk around a humid climate such as Brazil without inhaling moisture that would've corroded them from the inside?  How did it not happen to rain in any of the locales they invaded?  But okay, let's say for argument's sake, they couldn't figure out Terra Firma has water coming out its ass.  We'll shelve that gripe, as I have bigger goddamn fish to fry with this movie.

Hmmm, what d'ya suppose I could do with ol' Wonder Bat here?

No, what really pisses me off about this film is the other climactic "reveal," where Mel and his family are under siege by one of these lizard men, and only after flashing back to his wife's cryptic dying words "Tell Merrill to swing away" does it occur to Mel, "Say, perhaps I should urge my brother to grab that baseball bat on the wall and Al Capone E.T.'s fucking brains out."  Yeah that's right.  Instead of instinctively going for the first blunt instrument he can get his hands on, he ponders for a moment the last thing Mrs. Gibson said to him after a drunk driver pinned her to a tree, and it just so happened to suggest these Martian motherfuckers could be felled by a Louisville Slugger to their big green faces.  I know when I'm being attacked I try to think of a deceased loved one's final earthly guidance, no matter how irrelevant it might seem.  This one time I got mugged, I reflected on my grandmother's dying advice, "Boy, you show 'em you're good as gold," and I proceeded to take a golden piss all over that mugger, who ran screaming into the night.  What a fucking stupid ending to this movie.  Someone invades your home, you find a weapon and attack them with it.  It's literally one of the first two impulses you'd have, the other being to run/hide.  Why in the FUCK would this scene need an enigmatic flashback that neatly ties into the domestic crisis our heroes find themselves in?

This movie should be called Signs...That Your Director is a Pretentious Asshole.


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AEW All Out 2024 Preview & Predictions

Well I wasn't sure All Out 2024 would upstage All In 2024 like All Out 2023 did All In 2023, but after watching Hangman Page BURN DOWN Swerve's childhood home, and with how many absolute bangers are on tap this Saturday, AEW might pull it off a second time.

AEW returns to Chicago for All Out, two weeks after their second annual Wembley show, and once again, while this lineup isn't as stacked as All In, I could see All Out being the superior PPV.  Danielson's first title defense, Ospreay vs. Pac, two really strong women's title matches, an MJF-Garcia grudge match, and the mother of all blood feuds, Hangman Adam Page vs. Swerve Strickland, in an unsanctioned cage match (Dammit, how cool would it have been to see that happen at Wembley?).  This show is going to slap, as the kids say.

Not all the matches have been announced yet, so maybe after Friday's Collision/Rampage shows I'll update this piece.  But for now we have eight matches to predict.

Chicago Street Fight: Willow Nightingale vs. Kris Statlander

I'm not sure if this is for the CMLL Women's Title or not.  I thought their previous match was an eliminator; maybe CMLL didn't agree to putting their belt up in a street fight or something.  Anyway, this should be excellent as Willow and Kris have great chemistry and Willow's delivered in No DQ matches before.  I think Willow wins this since she's CMLL Champion and Kris beat her last time.

Pick: Willow

WWE Bash in Berlin Review: Well It Was Better Than SummerSlam

It's a few days late, but here's my review of WWE Bash in Berlin.  This was a much better show than SummerSlam and the crowd was white-hot like at Backlash France but unlike that crowd they weren't just there to chant shit the whole time, they actually responded to the action in the ring.  Except during the main event when they broke into the wave for some reason.  The company though decided to make it cringe by showing a decibel counter every so often.  Didn't WCW do that in the early 90s?  Can WWE for once NOT make something lame?  Nothing on this show was bad, though nothing came close to MJF-Ospreay or Swerve-Danielson from six days earlier.  For the record I went 5 for 5 on my predictions, which I only posted to Twitter.  You can go look if you don't believe me....

Cody Rhodes vs. Kevin Owens opened the show and was a very good championship match that built throughout.  It was undermined a bit by the need to cram in "cinema," where Cody went for a springboard cutter (I think) but his injured knee buckled and Owens refused to capitalize on the injury because as Michael Cole put it he didn't want a "tainted victory."  Uhh that's not tainted guys.  Tainted would be if Owens had cheated to inflict such an injury.  This was just a pre-existing condition.  If Owens had worked over Cody's leg during the match and injured it, he'd capitalize on it, right?  How's this different?  Anyway they traded all their big moves, Cody hit a pair of CrossRhodeses and went for a third but Owens countered into a stunner for a nearfall.  Owens went for a swanton but Cody got the knees up and hit a third CrossRhodes for the win.  A very fine match but Cody as champion still feels like Goldberg 1998, where the company cares way more about the top heel stable and their drama than finding something meaningful for its babyface champion to do.  Cody's just fighting guys for the belt without a dramatic feud to hold it together.  Hey if WWE wants to be known as The Land of Storytelling, I'm gonna judge them on that basis.  Tough titty.  ****1/4

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com, where I examine the pros and cons of an entertaining-but-stupid movie.  Oft-times it'll be an old film I liked at the time but later discover to be pretty shabby.

Such is the case with today's entry, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey!

In 1988 the world was introduced to two lovable dunderheads with a taste for hard-rockin' music, Bill S. Preston, esquire, and Ted "Theodore" Logan, who as it turns out were destined to change the world with their special brand of heavy metal, if only they could pass their History exam.  With the help of a futuristic mentor and a time traveling phone booth, these two dummies saved the day and secured their future.

Fast-forward three years and our (second) favorite pair of dopey cinematic metal dudes were back, this time fighting for their very lives against evil robot clones created by Chuck De Nomolos, a futuristic heavy with designs on retroactively altering the timeline.  Hmm, evil robots sent back in time to kill the protagonist?  That premise sounds oddly familiar.

So what worked about this silly sequel and what didn't?  Let's zoom in for a closer look...



The Awesome

Cool Premise/Lofty Concepts

Where Excellent Adventure had a very lighthearted, pretty small-scope time travel premise (Bill and Ted need to travel through time and recruit various historical figures for their high school history project to avoid flunking out and derailing their rise to global fame), the second film ups the ante by having the aforementioned evil robots actually kill our heroes, allowing the filmmakers to show us what heaven and hell look like.  Conceptually this is a really fun story with lots of room for imaginative visuals and afterlife-related gags.  Bill and Ted spend over half the movie as wayward spirits and we get to explore various mythical and surrealistic locations with them.



George Carlin

My all-time favorite standup comedian returns as Bill & Ted's futuristic mentor Rufus, and while his comedic talents are sadly wasted in this franchise, he's always a welcome onscreen addition.

George was the best

Top Ten Things: Stephen King Film Adaptations

Welcome to another Top Ten Things, here at Enuffa.com!  I was told recently that I seem to do a lot of top ten lists of things I hate.  I'm pretty sure I've posted way more lists about things I like, but here's another one.  So suck on it, Larry.

Stephen King.  Perhaps no two proper nouns better exemplify the horror genre.  The very name sounds somehow sinister, like you can't say it without the gritty "movie trailer" voice.  Go ahead, try it.  When I was first introduced to King's work as a child there was something intimidating about that name with the imposing logo his publisher used at the time.

This one.  Looks so badass and they never should've changed it.

Thirty-some years later and Stephen King has produced more timeless horror stories and iconography than any other author.  He is the Edgar Allen Poe of his generation, and continues to churn out novels at a superhuman pace.  To borrow a line from Hamilton, he writes like he's running out of time.

King found success as a muse for Hollywood films very early in his career, selling his first novel Carrie for film adaptation only about a year after it was published.  From then on, King's work became an inspirational gold mine for filmmakers, to the point that in 1977 he began granting film rights to aspiring auteurs and students for only one dollar, provided the films would never be shown commercially without explicit permission.  As for Hollywood, the films inspired by King's writings over the years have grossed over $2.3 billion domestically when adjusted for inflation.  Not exactly a lightweight.

Stephen King's stories and novels have always lent themselves well to cinematic interpretation, and while the results are sometimes mixed, his works have indeed inspired some bona fide film classics.  Below are ten such examples....

10. Christine

One master of horror adapting another, John Carpenter's 1983 film version of King's novel is one of the great "killer car" stories.  Nerdy high school kid Arnie Cunningham falls in love with and buys a dilapidated (and unbeknownst to him, possessed) 1958 Plymouth, restoring it to pristine condition and gradually becoming its servant, at the expense of his actual friendships.  "Christine" then begins attacking Arnie's enemies and even displays the ability to repair itself after being damaged (In a scene that totally blew my mind as a kid).  John Carpenter spectacularly brings to life the evil car, imbuing it with the villainous idiosyncrasies of a human character and giving us one of the screen's most frightening vehicles.

9. The Running Man

This one a) hardly even qualifies as a Stephen King movie and b) is the guiltiest of pleasures.  King's novel The Running Man (published under his Richard Bachman pseudonym) is rife with sociopolitical commentary in addition to being a taut-as-fuck suspense/action thriller.  The protagonist volunteers for a sadistic game/reality show where he'll be hunted down by the authorities for a full month.  If he wins he gets one billion dollars.  If he gets caught he dies.  This novel is harrowing and smartly written, with a sensational climax.  The film on the other hand is a dumb, goofy Arnold Schwarzenegger action vehicle with pro wrestling-style villains and cartoonish set pieces.  But goddamn is it a lotta fun.  In the film, The Running Man is simply an American Gladiators-esque game show where convicted criminals face off against suped-up military types, and if they survive they get a full pardon.  Arnold's character (wrongly convicted of mass murder) not only has to escape over-the-top villains like Buzzsaw and Dynamo, but is also tasked with finding his friends' hidden resistance base, in the hopes of hijacking the TV signal and clearing his name.  As I said, this has VERY little in common with its source material but it's still an exceedingly enjoyable cheesy action film from a bygone era.  That said, I'm dying for someone to do a faithful adaptation.  (Check out my in-depth analysis HERE)

8. Carrie

The one that started it all, Brian DePalma's adaptation of King's first novel blended supernatural horror elements with an intimate character study.  Sissy Spacek shines as the socially crippled, telekinetically gifted title character, who is bullied by both her schoolmates and her overbearing, religiously fanatical mother (a crazy-scary Piper Laurie).  The film has an almost dreamlike quality, with washed-out visuals and plenty of DePalma's signature slow-mo technique.  It all builds to the iconic, horrifying climax where Carrie, soaked in pig's blood as the result of a cruel prank, lashes out at the entire school and later has a final showdown with her psychotic mom.  Boasting two excellent lead performances and one of the all-time classic climaxes, Carrie helped launch the careers of both King and DePalma and proved a highly influential example of its genre.

AEW All In 2024 Review: Bryan Danielson Gets His Flowers

AEW All In 2024 is in the books, and like its predecessor it was a helluva spectacle.  Though they only sold about 55,000 tickets compared to last year’s 81,000, the presence of Taylor Swift’s massive stage and the adjacent ramp actually helped make Wembley look just as full as it did last year.  And the crowd was mostly very hot.

I would say this show was less consistently good than 2023 but the two best matches here topped anything on that show.  Let’s get into it….

*NOTE: I’m on vacation this week so this review will be a little less in-depth than usual.*

The main show opened with the four-way trios ladder match, which consisted of the usual party match stuff.  Lots of standard ladder spots, lots of time for everyone to get their stuff in.  The most memorable spot was Nick Wayne hitting a tope to the outside, which he then converted into a destroyer on Malakai through a table.  Crazy spot.  Killswitch set up a ladder at the end and put Christian on his shoulders to climb, but Pac cut him off, knocked him to the mat, and retrieved the belts.  Christian then berated Killswitch to yet again tease a babyface turn.  Fun opener.  ***1/2

Next up was Toni Storm vs Mariah May in a very dramatic match.  Started off a bit sluggish with Mariah dominating and Toni seeming reluctant to engage, but it picked up once Toni made a comeback, and built to a nice crescendo.  Mariah’s mother was in the front row, and Mariah slapped her at one point, but Toni comforted her with a hug.  Mariah tried to hit Toni with the shoe.  Toni took the shoe away and considered using it but couldn’t bring herself to.  Mariah then hit a pair of knees and Storm Zero to win the title.  Toni seemed to have a mental breakdown after losing, dancing to the back while crying.  Great character work, solid wrestling.  ***3/4

The weakest bout of the night was Chris Jericho vs Hook.  This was FTW rules so Bryan Keith and Big Bill interfered copiously, but Hook overcame the odds.  Jericho brought a bag of cricket balls which didn’t cooperate since they rolled around.  Hook got a bat from under the ring and hit a couple balls off Jericho.  Hook kept locking in submissions but Jericho’s friends broke them up.  He finally locked in Redrum and Taz pulled Bryan off the apron and locked in the worst ever Tazmission.  Jericho submitted.  This was fine.  **3/4

The first excellent match was Young Bucks-FTR-Acclaimed, in an energetic party sprint filled with nonstop action and inventive spots.  Matt and Nick’s gear paid homage to Sgt. Pepper-era Beatles.  The Bucks played the buffoon heels who eked one out as always.  One of the most fun moments involved FTR and The Acclaimed doing each other’s finishers in tandem.  The Bucks eventually won with BTE trigger on Dax.  Grizzled Young Veterans showed up after the match and confronted the Bucks who bailed, then attacked FTR.  That should be phenomenal.  ****

The most pleasant surprise of the night was the Casino Gauntlet, a super fun match with some good surprises including the in-ring return of NIGEL MCGUINNESS.  Once he entered I was rooting for him so we could finally have a Danielson-McGuinness rematch.  Also Ricochet made his debut and ran wild.  Hangman Page and Jeff Jarrett interacted a lot, setting up a singles match together.  Jarrett took him out with a guitar shot.  Okada and Zack Sabre both looked great and each almost won.  Christian entered unexpectedly and then Luchasaurus (not Killswitch), who choke slammed Kyle O’Reilly and put Christian on top to win.  Odd choice for a winner but really fun match.  I wasn’t that excited about this but it way overdelivered.  ****1/4

The first of two instant classics was next, Will Ospreay vs MJF.  MJF’s gear paid homage to both Apollo creed and Lex Luger.  This was an awesome match, though not quite as good as the hourlong one.  Loads of suspenseful nearfalls led to a ref bump when Ospreay hit a Hidden Blade that knocked Max into him.  MJF tried to use brass knuckles (his diamond ring was legit stolen over the weekend) but a mystery man stopped him and unmasked to reveal Daniel Garcia.  MJF attempted the Tiger Driver but Ospreay countered with his own (scary as fuck spot) to regain the title.  Daniels then presented him with the proper International Title.  Fantastic stuff.  ****3/4

Mercedes vs Britt was unfortunately asked to follow this, and thus the crowd wasn’t that into it.  Still it was a very good match if a little messy in a couple spots.  Mercedes worked Britt’s back for the first third, Britt made numerous attempts at lockjaw but couldn’t get it on.  Late in the match Kamille saved Mercedes by putting Mercedes’ foot under the ropes.  Mercedes tried to hit Britt with the belt but the ref stopped her.  Kamille tried to use the strong belt but Britt took it, threw it back to Kamille and fell down as though Kamille had hit her.  The ref ejected Kamille, Britt went for lockjaw but Mercedes bit her hand.  They jockeyed for backslide position but Mercedes finally hit the Mone Maker for the win.  ***3/4

Second-to-last was Jack Perry vs Darby Allin, a match that was cut short and was shockingly one sided.  Perry beat the bejesus out of Darby for a lot of this.  Darby had thumbtacks glued to his face.  Jack brought out a bag that turned out to be broken glass, eliciting a “cry me a river”chant.  Marvelous.  Darby dropped Jack in the glass, which cut him up.  Jack taped Darby’s hands together and then tied Darby’s belt around his ankles and threw him off the stage through a table.  Jack put him in a body bag and into the coffin, then hit a running knee and closed the lid.  The Bucks came down with a can of gasoline.  The Elite tried to light the coffin on fire but Sting came to the rescue.  Very good car wreck.  ***3/4

Finally we had Swerve Strickland vs. Bryan Danielson in an absolutely fantastic main event.  They started with rugged back and forth offense, but Swerve got the upper hand after a Death Valley Driver on the ring bell, and Danielson bled.  The match built in intensity and led to loads of near falls after finishers.  The final ten minutes were spectacular.  Hangman tried to interfere but was dragged away by security.  Danielson hit the knee but Swerve kicked out.  Swerve went for the Flatliner but Danielson cut him off with another knee, then the LeBell Lock.  Swerve broke the hold but Danielson snapped Swerves fingers and locked in a Rings of Saturn variant for the tap out.  BCC and Danielson’s family celebrated with him.  I had mixed feelings about this whole situation and still do, but this match and moment were epic.  The followup needs to be on point.  *****

So yeah, another great AEW PPV in front of their second-biggest crowd.  I’d say this show was on par with last year’s, though more uneven.  All Out needs to be another great sequel.

Best Match: Swerve vs. Danielson

Worst Match: Jericho vs. Hook

What I’d Change: The gauntlet could’ve been a few minutes shorter so Jack-Darby didn’t get so shortchanged.  I’d have swapped the TBS and Coffin match slots so the women had more crowd engagement.

Most Disappointing Match: The Coffin match was fun but too short to reach the next level.

Most Pleasant Surprise: The Gauntlet was fun like a good Royal Rumble

Overall Rating: 9.5/10

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Movies of Disbelief: Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Welcome to another edition of Movies of Disbelief, here at Enuffa.com, where I examine a film that is generally either good, even great, or at least competently assembled, and point out one absurd flaw that had me throwing my hands up skyward.

Today's subject is the Walt Disney classic Sleeping Beauty.  Released in 1959, Sleeping Beauty retells the timeless fairy tale about a lovely princess, cursed by an evil sorceress to fall into a sleeping death before the end of her sixteenth birthday (by pricking her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, of all things).  In the Disney version there are three good fairies who vow to protect Princess Aurora from this fate, by keeping her hidden from the wicked Maleficent until the time window of said curse has closed.

**Side note: each fairy bestows a magical gift, the first being Flora's decree that Aurora will grow up to be beautiful, begging the question, does Flora not have any faith in this girl's gene pool?  I'd be insulted if I were her parents.  "Excuse me, I think we're both fairly handsome people, she'll turn out just fine on her own!"  Seems like a waste of a gift if there's even a chance that she'll be a looker anyway.  Come to think of it, so is Fauna's gift of song; how does she know this girl won't naturally have musical ability?  Or at least enough to get by with some practice?  Superficial jerks...**

I'm sorry, these women are morons...

But back on the clock; the fairies quickly whisk her away to a remote cottage in the forest and raise her as a common peasant girl until such time as it's safe for her to return and reclaim her royal heritage.  Solid plan right?  Especially since the fairies have also vowed not to use magic during the girl's upbringing, so as not to rouse the suspicions of passers-by.  Princess Aurora, or Briar Rose as she is now known, has no awareness of her regal bloodline or the fact that she is betrothed to Prince Phillip of a neighboring kingdom.  On her sixteenth birthday, the fateful day in question, she meets a stranger in the woods and falls instantly in love, but the fairies spill all the beans, revealing to her that not only is she a princess, she is already spoken for and must never see this strange man again (of course none of the four is aware said stranger IS Prince Phillip).  Rose is crushed at the news and runs to her room sobbing.

AEW All In 2024 Preview & Predictions

AEW's biggest show of the year All In is this Sunday, and while for the first time I have kinda major issues with the booking and build for parts of this show, it should be a pretty stunning PPV, as only AEW can deliver.

Yes, when it comes to Tony Khan's booking and his flaws in that area I'm generally much more forgiving than even most AEW fans (at least from what I see on social media), largely because this company's big shows always live up to and often exceed the hype.  And that will likely be true with All In as well, but ever since Bryan Danielson (my favorite wrestler of all time, don't @ me) upset Hangman Page in the Owen Cup tournament to take the main event slot at Wembley, I've felt Tony went in the wrong direction with this title match.  And judging from the crowd reactions to what little Swerve-Hangman interactions we've gotten since Page returned, I'm certainly not alone.  Swerve-Hangman is AEW's answer to Austin vs. Bret.  Two mortal enemies who switched places, one a former heel who was so cool he became a babyface, the other a longtime babyface so destructively obsessed with vengeance and justice he turned heel.  How in the blue hell does this match not take place for the title at the biggest show of the year?  Yes I know Danielson is retiring from a full-time schedule and this might be the last chance to give him an honorary title run, but since when are honorary title runs more important than paying off a fantastic story?  AEW seems to have sacrificed a great long-term title feud for a fleeting feelgood moment, and in the bigger picture that's a major mistake from where I sit.  Couple that with Danielson constantly doing interviews saying he's ready to hang it up and isn't that interested in being champion and it's like, if the challenger doesn't care about this, why should I?

My minor gripes with this lineup are the fact that two tag title matches came about because of a draw between the two top contenders - pretty lazy booking - and the absence of Kazuchika Okada on this card unless he's in the gauntlet match despite already having a title (Was Tony hoping Kenny would be back by now?).  Aside from that though, this show has numerous bangers on tap.  So let's get into it...

Zero Hour: Willow Nightingale & Tomohiro Ishii vs. Kris Statlander & Stokely Hathaway

So it's already been announced that Willow and Kris will duke it out at All Out for the CMLL Women's Title (which was supposed to be won by Stephanie Vaquer until she backed out of numerous committed dates to sign with WWE - gotta love their predatory business practices).  This match will determine who picks the stipulation for that match.  It's odd that Hathaway is Kris's partner as opposed to an actual wrestler.  We'll obviously get to see Ishii and probably Willow beat the snot out of Hathaway and I'd be surprised if the babyfaces lose here.

Pick: Willow/Ishii

AEW All In 2023 Review: A WrestleMania-Sized Spectacle

***ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 8/29/23***

AEW's biggest show of all time is in the history books, and it was a doozy of a PPV.  While not quite on the level of their greatest shows for me (Full Gear 2021, Revolution 2023), this show was pretty spectacular overall.  By my count seven of the nine main card bouts reached **** or better, which is a new record.  We had rock-solid old-school wrestling, we had wild, chaotic multi-man matches, we had a couple bouts full of intense violence, and above all we had an epic, story-driven main event that kept the company's most successful angle going a little longer.  This was a WrestleMania-sized spectacle in front of a white-hot live crowd.

After a pair of pre-show matches, the latter of which apparently led to yet another backstage altercation involving CM Punk (less serious and may not have been Punk-instigated this time), Punk himself opened the show with a "real" World Title defense against his old rival Samoa Joe.  These two had a fine opening match that fell somewhere between their classic ROH encounters and their rather forgettable Collision one.  It only went 14 minutes but they packed a lot into it, including homages to Hulk Hogan and Terry Funk.  At one point Joe swung Punk through the bottom half of the announce table, breaking the front of it apart and causing Punk to bleed.  Late in the match Joe did his sequence of submission holds, softening Punk up for the Muscle Buster, but Punk escaped and hit his old finish, the Pepsi Plunge, to retain his fake title.  Very good opener in front of a pro-Joe crowd.  ****

Next up was the Golden Elite vs. Bullet Club Gold/Takeshita trios match.  This got twenty minutes and was a lot of fun, with tons of athletic exchanges, building to a strong peak and a logical finish meant to set up a singles match (Why I didn't see such a finish coming when I did my predictions, I'm sure I don't know).  Kota Ibushi was sadly still the weak link here, as he has more ring rust to shake off.  There was a moment where Ibushi and Omega did their stereo springboard moonsaults and Ibushi slipped off the second turnbuckle and had to do the move from the bottom one, and another moment where he seemed unsure where he was supposed to be.  Hopefully with time he'll come close to the quality of work he was putting in two years ago.  Anyway this match built to a tremendous peak, with Page and Omega hitting big moves on the heels, but suddenly out of nowhere Takeshita scored a rollup pin on Omega to win the match.  It was announced after the show that Kenny Omega vs. Konosuke Takeshita is official for All Out, and man is that gonna be a good one.  ****1/4 for the trios bout.

All In: Cody Rhodes Pulls Off a Coup

***ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED 9/5/18***

Well I wasn't sure what to expect with All In.  I was pleasantly shocked when it sold out in under an hour and really happy for Cody and The Young Bucks for actually pulling off such a feat; the biggest-selling non-WWE show since WCW.  But would the show deliver with such an eclectic roster and matches that were mostly inconsequential in the traditional sense?  Turns out, yeah.  It delivered big.  And all that variety worked in the show's favor.  Lucha spotfest?  Check.  ECW-style hardcore match?  Check.  Traditional old-school wrasslin'?  We got it.  NJPW match?  You bet.  Dream match spectacle?  Sure.  Comedy match?  Yup.  I can't remember a show that pulled off so many divergent styles so well.  All In took a little while to really get going, but from the fourth match on there was nothing below ***1/2.  I didn't see any MOTY candidates, but the last six matches for me either approached or exceeded four stars.  When was the last WWE PPV that accomplished that?

Anyway, let's get to it.


Things kicked off with Matt Cross vs. MJF, a fun if superfluous little opener with Cross showing off his acrobatics and MJF doing good character work.  Cross won in nine minutes with his shooting star press.  A nice bit of fluff to warm up the crowd.  **

The weakest match on the show for me was Christopher Daniels vs. Stephen Amell.  This was okay, especially considering Amell's inexperience, but wasn't quite as tight as it could've been.  Amell clearly loves doing this and has picked up the basics strongly, and wants to be taken seriously as a wrestler.  If nothing else you have to applaud his enthusiasm.  There were a few miscues and Daniel's BME was off the mark both times, but this was fun.  Amell did a couple big moves, a coast-to-coast dropkick a la RVD, and a missed elbow through a table.  This should've been a little shorter but it wasn't bad.  Daniels picked up the win on the second BME.  **

The lone women's match featured Tessa Blanchard (who has the same "it" factor as Charlotte Flair), Chelsea Green, Madison Rayne, and Britt Baker, in a sprint with slightly messy action in the first half, but that gelled pretty well in the second when everyone started hitting their big moves.  It was a tad unwieldy but an easy match to watch overall.  The finish was kinda out of nowhere as Tessa hit the hammerlock DDT and barely got the pin before it was broken up.  **3/4

The first big match of the night was Nick Aldis vs. Cody for the NWA Title.  Pretty shocking how early this went on considering Cody was the mastermind behind this show.  With cornermen on both sides and Earl Hebner doing formal ring instructions, this felt like a big-fight main event.  As a match it was very good, heavy on the sports-entertainment with DDP getting involved, Cody teasing being unable to continue after being busted open by an elbow, and Brandi diving on top of Cody to protect him from a top-rope elbow drop.  But the storytelling was strong, with Cody playing the babyface in peril to perfection and going on to win the big one for his dad.  It was a nice moment to pay off a swell old school NWA Title match, and the crowd really made it feel special.  ***3/4

Movie Review: Alien: Romulus (2024)

***SOME SPOILERS AHEAD***

Everyone's favorite sci-fi/horror monsters are back for another romp through Ridley Scott's grimy truckers-in-space universe, in Fede Alvarez's new film Alien: Romulus.  Set about twenty years after the original film, Romulus stars Cailee Spaeny as Rain, a young colony worker attempting to flee the harsh, sunless conditions of the mining settlement she and her friends grew up on.  She and her adoptive "brother" Andy, a reprogrammed synthetic, meet up with four fellow orphaned settlers and hatch a plan to capture a block of cryo-tubes from the deserted, orbiting space station Romulus so they can make the nine-year journey to the much more habitable planet of Yvaga.  But it just so happens the station houses dozens of xenomorph facehuggers, grown from DNA taken from the original Nostromo alien recovered from deep space.  And of course, all hell breaks loose.

As with all the films in this franchise, Alien: Romulus is superbly atmospheric and technically marvelous.  The world-building is on point here; Alvarez remains true to the dingy, lived-in look Ridley and his collaborators created 45 years ago.  And unlike Ridley Scott's two awful prequels, the technology in this world is actually consistent with that of the original Alien.  No fancy LED screens, no three-dimensional cave-mapping drones.  We're back to clunky CRT monitors and Christmas light circuit boards.

The characters as usual are pretty crudely drawn - Rain is a plucky, caring lead character, Andy is a damaged and pretty fragile android who's been programmed to take care of Rain, Rain's ex-boyfriend Tyler is a brave and capable group leader, his pregnant sister Kay is....there too, his cousin Bjorn is a jerk who hates synthetics, and Bjorn's girlfriend Navarro is the cargo ship's pilot.  The script gives us just enough to care about the characters before picking them off, much as the original film did.  

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Alien Resurrection

Welcome to another edition of Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com!

Since I examined the gorgeously shot suckfest that was Alien 3 last week, I thought I'd move on to its sequel, 1997's Alien Resurrection.

As I mentioned last time, the third Alien film was a massive disappointment for me, as I'd been led to believe (through no fault of my own, mind you - d'ya need to see that teaser again?) that we'd get a true continuation of Aliens, wherein there'd be some sort of battle between xenomorphs and humans taking place on Earth.  Instead we got a languid, uninspired retread of the first movie, with one alien killing off humans in a confined location, Ten Little Indians-style.  Then Ripley dies.  I hated it.  I hated it all.  The franchise that should really have ended after two films got a completely unnecessary, tacked-on third installment just so Ripley could be killed off.

Fast-forward five years, and suddenly the series was resurrected (I see what they did there...), with a Ripley clone having been created 200 years after her death, on a military/scientific vessel that has begun experimenting with the aliens.  As part of the breeding process the scientists on board have illegally purchased cryo-frozen humans for use as hosts.  A mercenary ship arrives, delivering said hosts, but before long the aliens escape captivity and all hell breaks loose.  That's about all there is to the plot of this film, though I guess that's about twice as long as the premise of the third film.

My hope going into this was that it would really be something different and maybe even right the ship.  We'd finally see something in line with my expectations for Alien 3, or so I thought.  As it turned out Resurrection was just as poorly received as 3 (if not moreso), and the possibility of ever seeing another truly good Alien film again was all but gone.

Still, Resurrection did have some intriguing elements, some amusing horror-action, and plenty of gooey xenomorphs.  Let's take a closer look at this awesomely shitty movie....

(Note: I think if I were making a fourth film around this time I'd have simply revealed at the outset that Alien 3 was a dream, and have Ripley wake up from cryosleep to find Newt and Hicks still slumbering in their pods.  Then the story would adhere closer to the original Alien III script, where the xenos end up on Earth and the company actually intends on exploiting them for their Weapons division.  But that's just me.)




The Awesome


Something Different

After the dull, lazy retread that was Alien 3, it was nice to see the franchise go in a different direction with this film.  Ripley is back, but as a clone of the original character, and with a bit of xenomorph DNA which gives her some superhuman abilities.  It's corny, it's a bit comic booky, but hey, at least they tried something new with this film.  Setting it 200 years after Alien 3 also adds an element of the dystopian future, where the infrastructure is breaking down and mercenaries like the Betty crew have become commonplace.




Sigourno-morph

Sigourney Weaver clearly has a lot of fun with this new incarnation of Ripley, getting a chance to show off her newfound skills but also to convey the conflict arising from her longtime arch-nemesis now being a part of her.  This creature that has ruined her life is now ingrained in her biology.  A smarter, more thoughtful script would've done a lot more with this, but it's a start.  That theme comes into play later in the film when the alien queen seems to treat her almost as a loved one and the alien/human hybrid regards her as its mother.  Joss Whedon's script introduces some novel concepts for this franchise, and it's refreshing to see that at least. 

Oh, Ripley 8 will fuck you ups....

Awesomely Shitty Movies: Alien 3

Welcome to another Awesomely Shitty Movies, here at Enuffa.com, where I complain about someone else's hard work!

Today I'll be talking about one of my least favorite sequels ever, Alien 3!  Yup, it's gonna be a struggle to come up with many positives about this film, as I hate it.  HATE. IT.  But I wouldn't be telling the truth if I failed to talk about its good qualities.  Directed by the great David Fincher, Alien 3 is a stylish, exceedingly bleak sequel to the mega-popular thrill ride that was James Cameron's Aliens.  Picking up where that film left off, Alien 3 finds Ripley stranded on a penal planet populated by the worst criminals in the galaxy, when a stray alien breaks loose and starts butchering people by the dozen.  Ripley and the others must find a way, sans weapons, to kill the alien before a Weylan-Yutani supply ship arrives to bring the specimen back to Earth.  And, well, that's about it.  Nothing terribly complicated about this story, and the film was such a troubled production for the first-time director that Fincher long ago disowned the movie.  The studio began shooting without a completed script and questioned Fincher on nearly every creative idea, to the point that his intended cut was very different from the theatrical version (The "Assembly Cut" as it's called is widely considered superior to the latter, but I still don't like it).

But before I begin shredding this movie, let's take a look at what did work.....



The Awesome


Acting

Sigourney Weaver is back as Ellen Ripley of course, and she once again brings a sense of both empowerment and vulnerability to the role that made her famous.  She doesn't have quite the emotional arc here as she did in Aliens, but considering what she's given to work with she excels as always.  This film has a number of strong supporting performances as well, the two biggest standouts being the dignified and understated Charles Dance as Dr. Clemens, and Charles S. Dutton as the reformed murderer and spiritual leader of the prison, Dillon.  Add accomplished character actors such as Pete Postlethwaite and Brian Glover, and there's no shortage of convincing work on the acting front.

There are some fine thespians in this tripe movie.

Visuals

As with all of his films, Fincher lent Alien 3 a distintive, stylish look, with filthy, gothic sets and a muted color pallette of yellows and browns.  The one area where this film surpasses Aliens for me is its unique visual style.  This is a gorgeously photographed movie from a young director already demonstrating his superior skill.  'Tis a shame the story didn't have more going on, as it's akin to a beautifully painted but mostly empty landscape.

There are also some fine visuals.

Effects (mostly)

Most of the special effects in Alien 3 still hold up, from the grotesquely sloppy chestburster scene to the amazingly lifelike Bishop head/torso, to the frightening closeups of the full-size alien.  The blood n' guts look first-rate, and aside from terrible compositing of the rod puppet used in wide shots (The puppet looks great, the blue screening looks like garbage), any xenophile should be satisfied with the effects.

And a boss-looking alien.

Movies of Disbelief: Alien Covenant (2017)

Welcome to another edition of Movies of Disbelief, where I talk about a film containing plot elements I find simply not credible.  Today it's Ridley Scott's latest entry in the Alien franchise.....

Alright, time to talk about some issues I have with Alien: Covenant.  I'm a diehard fan of the Alien series and-- well wait, I guess I'm a diehard fan of the first two Alien movies and that's it.  Oddly, despite being a huge Alien fan I think the vast majority of these movies suck.  Covenant is sadly one of them; like Prometheus there's a good film in here somewhere but they didn't find it.  There's basically no point to Covenant at all, except as a stopgap between the events of Prometheus and the events that led directly to the original Alien (events which aren't at all necessary to understanding or appreciating the classic first film).  Covenant is basically just a way to get us from the monster introduced in Prometheus to the familiar xenomorph we know and love.  Super, David experimented with these creatures until he got this one.  Did we really need a two-hour Alien's Greatest Hits movie to arrive at the xenomorph?  Covenant relies so heavily on tropes from the other films in the franchise there's nary an original sequence to be found here.  Except maybe the one robot teaching the other robot how to play the flute.  Spiffy.

That's nothing, you should see him play the skin-flute.

So despite being a gorgeous-looking and well-acted film I consider Covenant (and Prometheus) to be a pretty pointless attempt at creating a backstory for a great film that never needed one.  I had my share of nitpicks about this movie to boot, but there's one item in particular that flat-out pissed me off, one piece of information that makes exactly zero sense and undermines the only narrative thread that even remotely justifies the film's existence.

Before we get to that though, a few minor gripes:


-In the first scene we see the android David conversing with his creator Peter Weyland.  Weyland lets him choose his own name and he goes with David because Weyland's sitting room has a giant statue of David that's so tall its head goes up through a hole in the ceiling.  Why the hell would you ever put a statue in your living room that you can't see all of?  Legit, unless he's standing right under it, Weyland's only view of this statue is obstructed in such a way that he can't see the head!  Before agreeing to purchase this piece of art he probably should've brought a tape measure.

How'd he even know what statue it was if he couldn't see the head??

Awesomely Shitty Movies: 300

Welcome to another edition of Enuffa.com's Awesomely Shitty Movies, where I pick apart a beloved cinematographical (is that a word?) feast and shatter its aura of watchability for everyone.  I'm probably overestimating my influence, but you get the idea.

Today I'll be dissecting the 2007 battle epic 300, directed by Zack Snyder and based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller.  300 recounts The Battle of Thermopylae, where the Spartan King Leonidas, along with 299 of his ruthlessly tough soldiers, stood against a massive Persian army led by King Xerxes.  And, well, that's it.  That's the entire plot of the film really.  In flashback we learn that, like all male Spartan children, Leonidas experienced a childhood of intentionally-inflicted cruelty designed to harden him, that he might one day be a great king and soldier.  There are also subplots involving a corrupt religious cult called the Ephors, who order Leonidas not to move against the Persians, plus one of the Spartan Council is revealed to be in Xerxes' back pocket.  Other than that though it's basically an extended two-hour battle sequence.

So what are the pros and cons of this Frank Miller-inspired film?  Let's take a look, because.....THIS! IS! ENUFFA!!!  See what I did there?


The Awesome

Visuals

Like Robert Rodriguez did with Sin City, Zack Snyder took Frank Miller's stunning comic book panels and recreated them for the screen, assembling an almost shot-for-shot adaptation that looks absolutely gorgeous.  The colors are almost exactly like the graphic novel, the characters have been brought to life in painstaking detail, and the action is stylized to reflect the over-the-top movements depicted in the book.  The film adaptations of both Sin City and 300 proved to be very influential in creating these impossible comic book worlds.  If you're going to make a CG-heavy film, this is how you do it.

Whatever the movie's flaws, this is a gorgeous shot.

Battle Scenes

As I said above, the combat is heavily stylized to echo Miller's drawings and give the characters and events a sort of mythic quality.  The blood and gore are turned way up as well, mimicking Miller's explicit visual approach.  It's a good thing the battle sequences work so well, because this film has a lot of them.  A LOT.


Costumes

Snyder has literally translated Miller's artwork in the costume department as well.  All the characters are dressed exactly like their two-dimensional counterparts, and they look great.


Effects & Makeup

There's a theme going on here - when it comes to the visual aspects of the film, everything is first-rate.  The special effects and makeup are no different.  Snyder uses CGI not as a substitute for reality, but as a way to heighten and distort reality.  The backgrounds are murky and flat, bathed in yellows and browns, just as Miller drew them.  The Spartans all have CG-enhanced six-pack builds and brandish perfect bronze shields.  But when practical effects were called for, Snyder used traditional prosthetics as well.  The Ephors are wart-covered and repulsive, the deformed Ephialtes is a grotesque hunchback, the Executioner is an enormous, clawed being resembling the Cenobites from Hellraiser.  The makeup and effects perfectly capture Miller's bizarrely-rendered characters.

Give that man a Baby Ruth!